I feel like a loser. I feel like a failure. Like I’ve lost myself… the self confidences that used to exude out of my pores is now gone. The faith in my ability to do whatever I put my mind to, has disappeared with this time of nothingness. I fight within myself on things like what am I worth, am I desirable, am I needed, am I useful… my Faith tells me that I am worthy, desirable, carefully made, loved, His beloved, but the other voices cry out so much louder. The messages of the media, Hollywood, culture tell me a different story than that of my Faith. The lack of words from other places maybe speak the loudest curses to my heart. The fear of turning into the very thing I never wished to be. This battle rages within me, and yet I get nowhere. There are no answers for the questions I have. I’m not sure that there are solutions that my hands can produce for the problems before me.
I read of the years that Joseph waited in a jail cell before his time came, of Moses and his 40 years in the desert BEFORE the exodus, of David running for years in the desert from death … how long must I wait O Lord. Is my patience great enough? Is my Faith deep enough? I pray they are. But there are days like today, where doubt doesn’t just creep in, but rather overtakes me. I do not fear that the Lord has left me or that His promises aren’t exactly the way He says it will be… no I fear me. I fear what I will do when I simply can’t wait anymore.
Can I bring myself to sing one more praise to His name? Yeah, I just need to take this one praise at a time.
O Praise You, my Lord. You are the bringer of rest to my weary soul. You are my God and nothing can take that away from me. You will forever behold me, your precious child. You will be my deliverer. You are not great because of what I have done. But my life is great because I am forever yours and you are forever mine. I am so far from perfect and yet I am righteous. The wrong I have done, the pain I have caused you is no longer a burden on my shoulders to bear. Praise your name for that! Thank you for freeing me, for loving me, for creating me, for leading me. Oh yes, I am yours. Praise your name.